Bad Day at Stonehenge

"It's one of the oldest celebrations in the world and has drawn visitors to Stonehenge for centuries. But 300 pagans were left red-faced yesterday after they arrived at the prehistoric monument a day early for the winter solstice."
- The Daily Mail, "Hundreds of Pagans Turn Up at Stonehenge for Winter Solstice... ON THE WRONG DAY!"

EXT. STONEHENGE, WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND.

A gray day, snow blankets the ground. The camera pans the majestic Stonehenge formation before settling on a large number of people in circle formation waiting expectantly. The crowd suddenly parts on the right as a man in a flowing white robe marches to the center of the circle with head held high. It is Arthur Pendragon (formerly John Rothwell).

ARTHUR PENDRAGON: Eko, Eko, Azarak! Eko, Eko, Zamilak! Eko, Eko, Cernunnos! Eko, Eko, Aradia!

The crowd cheers, Hurrahya!

ARTHUR PENDRAGON: Greeting my fellow pagans and welcome to the Winter Solstice celebration here at Stonehenge. I know many of you are here for handfasting ceremonies, fear not! I will service all. All in good time, each in good measure! But first, a few announcements.

(He unfolds a piece of paper and puts on reading glasses.)

Regarding last Thursday’s Blot ritual held in Melksham, I’m afraid we must repeat the ceremony.

(Crowd groans.)

I know. I know. The Blot is a very time consuming ritual for us all but Gothi Eric... sorry, not Eric… Gaffenum, Gothi Gaffenum... is quite new and it was my fault for scheduling The Blot during the Everton-Birmingham match. We’ll repeat The Blot on Monday a week hence.

Also, it has come to my attention through Gythia Cleternaum that there appears to be some, rather, ahem, some confusion among certain druids, whom I shall not name, concerning the Five Fold Kiss ritual. It should go without saying that the phallus is only one small part of the ritual, and I – stop it! This is serious! Be quiet! Be quiet! Right, then. The proper ritual goes, in order – feet, knees… phallus… just once, mind you… breasts and lips. And again, let me be absolutely clear on this: while you may digitally record the ceremony, you may not upload your recordings to Pornhub. Is this understood? Right, then. Very good.

Finally, an update on Gothi Ken. As many are aware, Ken was assaulted in Trowbridge last Tuesday by three German tourists while on his way to a Tool Blessing Ritual. A terrible attack. His druid robe was stolen and it took surgeons several hours to, ah, retrieve his pentacle, which I am afraid was badly damaged. I’ve visited with Ken and am pleased to report he’s doing much better. He can even move his thumbs. Naturally, Ken is so sorry to miss the Winter Solstice celebration and, were he able to speak, I am certain he would have communicated to me his ardent desire to be here with us all today.

Now, if Sherman will bring me my mead, we can begin.

*This post was adapted from a comment I originally posted on The Awl.